Fings Ain't Wot They Used T'be

Synopsis

Fred Cochran, the hero, is a down-at-heel gangster, trying to make a comeback.

Lil Smith is his loyal moll, a tart with a heart of gold, who longs for respectability and keeps a marriage licence ready for her lucky day.

Fred's shpieler (gambling den) provides a refuge for the failures of the underworld: Paddy the gambler, Tosher the ponce with his girls Betty and Rosey, and Redhot, a sad little burglar who never manages to get warm.

They all look to Fred for a living and when he wins on the horses it seems the gang may be back in business.

Fred redecorates his place, all 'contempery' (sic) and at the opening the Horrible Percy Fortesque comes to gamble and a rival leader, Meatface, is beaten in a razor fight.

The play ends with a wedding - Lil and Fred are giving up crime to go straight; handing over the shpieler to the constable on the beat who has long wanted to go crooked